CNN has an “All Platform Journalist.” Wow. Think about what that means. He can talk to a TV camera. He can post something on a web site. He can probably even blog. And I bet he can Tweet.

Unbelievable.

Almost as unbelievable as the fact that the CNN in-studio talent actually keeps a straight face when they introduce the CNN “All Platform Journalist.”

Clearly, God has been outlawed at ESPN.

This weekend, I was watching SportsCenter. The talking head was talking about the game winning shot by Lebron James that, judging by the media reaction, was the greatest shot ever shot on a basketball court in the history of the world. The talking head was reporting what one professional basketball player had tweeted right after the shot. (Man, is that journalism or what?).

The tweet started out, “OMG…”

The talking head read it as, “Oh my goodness…”

Everybody knows that OMG is short for Oh My God. But at ESPN, clearly the editorial policy reads like this: “For goodness sakes never say God. At ESPN, God is goodness, yes, but nothing more.”

Did swine flu finally kill media credibility? It’s an exaggeration, yes, but not too much of a stretch to say that the credibility of many working in traditional media was wiped out by the horrific swine flu pandemic that tore across the world at lightening speed last week. Oh, that’s right, there was no horrific swine flu pandemic last week. I forgot.

But for most of last week, the media did all they could to terrify us. My gosh, even our Amtrak-riding Vice President was afraid to get on the subway. The problem for many journalists is not that they became fear mongers. It’s that many (most?) Americans learned that they got better information from talking to their friends or neighbors, than watching TV, listening to radio, or reading a newspaper. That’s because to get an accurate take on what was going on, you had to either read paragraph 34 of the newspaper reports or be lucky enough to hear the lonely rational expert interviewed on TV. And those regular folks — the ones who dug beyond the media scare and uncovered some accurate information — became invaluable and trusted sources of information for countless others.

Maybe the best way to put it is this: word of mouth was the best and only vaccine for swine flu media terror.

To paraphrase John Lennon: Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too. Imagine all the people living according to TMZ:

Judging from the “super” beneath the picture of the President, it appears CNN scooped the competition: aliens are attacking earth and the G-20 is meeting with a secret council of superheroes, including Batman, Iron Man, and the Green Hornet.

I have uncovered evidence of the stupidest editorial planning meeting since paper was invented. It clearly happened at the offices of Bethesda magazine. The March/April issue is “The Parenting Issue.” The cover story is about two local teenagers who committed suicide.

The cover reads, “Parents’ Worst Nightmare: [Two] local teenagers took their own lives. For the first time, their parents talk about what happened — and the warning signs they missed.”

So let me get this straight. This morose, tragic cover, with black rose and everything, is supposed to get me, a parent of three, including two teens, to pick this magazine up in the grocery store line (in the middle of a deepening recession, no less)? Yeah, that’s the parenting issue every parent wants to read right now.

My wife is out of the country. One thing I am quickly learning: tasking a type A personality (me) with the job of getting two teenagers out of bed in the morning and off to carpool is an explosive mixture. The Department of Homeland Security has issued a warning, noting that the possibility of a massive explosion at my house has reached threat-level red.

Sometimes I surprise even myself with what a jerk I am. I was on a conference call yesterday. We were discussing an aspect of a project that is to take place in March. One vendor noted that they were just waiting for confirmation to move forward. “Confirmation of what?” I asked. “That March is still on the calendar for 2009?” A very funny line me thinks, but too snide, even for me. I apologized.

Is CNN not embarrassed by its mid-day “host,” Rick Sanchez? How can they not be? It would at least be honest if he just announced that he had a deep, deep crush on President-elect Obama.

This is almost a direct quote from the play-by-play guy from last night’s broadcast of the fake national college football championship game: “If you are fortunate enough to be around Tim Tebow [University of Florida quarterback] for 5 minutes, 20 minutes, you are a better person for it.” Wow. When is the beatification?

“Right in the middle of the cone of uncertainty.” That’s what a Fox News reporter reported from Texas this past week, waiting for a hurricane to hit.

How do you know if you are in the middle of a cone of uncertainty?

I’m good at dumb…uh, I mean, I’m good at spotting dumb. I have dumb-spotted traffic.com.

It may or may not be a good website for checking traffic conditions (it wouldn’t let me register). But what they are advertising on the radio is dumb — traffic updates sent to your cell phone with alternate route maps. So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to check my cell phone while I’m in stop-and-go-traffic for traffic reports and a map of where to go. Could I suggest that if I’m checking my cell phone for maps while I’m trying to get through Washington, DC traffic then I’m going to turn stop-and-go-traffic into stop-and-bump-traffic?

Traffic.com.dumb, that’s what that is.

Katie Couric just proved it — there is no limit to how far a pretty face can go without much thought. (I can’t wait to rush home and give my daughter the news that she doesn’t have to study any more!)

Katie decided to share her ridiculous idea that sexism is a more ingrained problem in the American culture than racism. Sorry, Katie, but I’m trying to recall the last time somebody burned a bra in the middle of the night on the front yard of a woman-headed family.